He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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