I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
