Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
