The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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