I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I puked a lego.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
two words: eviction party
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize