I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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