I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
