Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
