why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize