tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
