I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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