Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
