I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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