I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
