We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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