u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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