You can't motorboat a personality
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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