Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
