The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
