what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I got inside last night via doggy door
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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