What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
