I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
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