He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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