Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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