im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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