I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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