I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
worst night to have a conscience
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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