He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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