Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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