I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize