I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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