I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
