please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
