I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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