that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
