I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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