Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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