she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't deserve a penis
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
