She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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