Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
