i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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