Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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