I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
