I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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