haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
