The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
