Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
