she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
