Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
