booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
