You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize