im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
