you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
