I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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