he wants to bone in the snuggie
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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