...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
