Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize