i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
