you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
