i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
