I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
