Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am puke
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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